I haven’t posted on tumblr in forever, because I was feeling really down and I wanted to write about my feelings but I have a hard time expressing them. I’m really good at masking how I feel, but I’m finally ready to write about it.This year has been an emotional year for me, but I’ve really only cried 3 times. First, when I got into my car accident (which I now suffer PTSD from.) Second, the day before my ex boyfriend broke up with me. And third, when I heard the news that my grandma has cancer. I’ve experienced physical and emotional pain, and the most painful thing of all was hearing the news about my grandma. I love my grandma so dearly and the thought of living in a world without her breaks my heart. Seeing my mom cry has also broken my heart. She knows my grandma is in a lot of pain. She knows my grandmas health is very bad. This summer has consisted of me constantly having to distract myself from my dark thoughts. I wake up from nightmares almost every single night. I’m at a very low point in my life and while I feel lucky to have such amazing friends and family to talk too, I just feel like no one understands how devastated I actually am. On top of everything, I feel like a failure. I’m a senior in High School and I’m taking the easiest classes possible because I know I’m going to community college. A lot of my friends are applying to great colleges because they amazing records, but for me, I’m staying local. At least for my first two years. I’m an average student and I always will be. I just want to make someone proud. I don’t even make myself proud.